thud thud

Usually that annoying freeway billboard, "If you lived here, you'd be home by now," doesn't pop into my mind until Doheny on the bus ride home (even the fantasizing segment of my brain doesn't bother with notions so lacking in verisimilitude as the possibility of calling any part of beverly hills "home"). But today, while trudging out of work down the hallway of my office, I considered: "Hey! If I lived *here,* I would be *home* by now! How excellent would that be?" Perhaps curling up in a corner of a hallway on a regular basis would be excellent. Or perhaps I was just that exhausted.

Today was an alright day, but it just refused to end, stretching out further and further until heartbeats started turning into heart-thuds. I got through Aristotle and actually really really knew my shit in class which was a great feeling, given how much I've been dreading it. But truly draining was therapy in the middle of the morning, during which I moved from whimper to full out bawl and back. The amount of eye-daubing and mascara-blackened kleenex folding seems somewhat absurd, given that I was reporting to be doing much better than last Tuesday when I dragged into the Student Psych's drop-in clinic because I felt so distraught and helplessly imbalanced. The rando therapist I talked to then suggested that if I was having "negative thoughts," I should simply stop thinking so much. I've been going with this no thinking thing, and I have to say, it's working for me. Imagining all the different scenarios of how I could or would deal with possible future difficulties, it turns out, is not proactive strategic planning. No, it's a) a waste of time b) self-destructive. So, while I have an appointment in a few weeks with a psych to discuss the possibility of meds (only temporary, if at all), my regular therapist has recommended that I keep on keeping on with the no (over-)thinking things. "Could you just hang out without having discussions--and no internal debates either?" Whaaat? I must explore this strange and intriguing realm of non-analysis further.

THE LISTS

to do class: Write JM recommendation. Read Horace and select poems. Finalize the midterm
done! Read Poetics! Wrote Aristotle lecture!

to do work: Write intro section of article. Rewrite the last section of Carpentier in C2.

to do life: Clean the oil stain on my garage space. Pay down debt (currently $3,430). Procure dog. Get tix to reggaefest. Do dishes. Put away clothes.
done! Are you joking? I had Aristotle to attend to! Will do tomorrow night.

to do blitz: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, marinn
done! katie (but only very very briefly)