switch

This morning was rough--I indulged in the very kind of thinking prohibited to me, fast-forwarding to possible moments of future pain. Interesting sidebar, I always identify these interludes with the cliché "working myself into a frenzy." But I just realized as a I was about to type the phrase out, I don't work myself into a frenzy in the least. Rather, what characterizes these moments is a slow-down of body and breath until I'm supine, leaning into the crack of the futon, tears tracing odd patterns along my face, collecting uncomfortably around my nostrils because I won't wipe them away.

Once in that state where the body seems to hibernate so as to focalize all attention on the present experience of suffocating and inexplicable grief, it is hard to imagine being upright again.

But. I did manage to implement some of therapist's suggestions: I decided to start working purely on the diss again and table the article for a while. The article is very hard to write in itself, all the more so because there are no guarantees that this work will have any tangible results. It is so uncertain, whereas even writing a paragraph feels like cause for unadulterated celebration in the diss page-accumulation project. So I returned to tweak a last section of c2 earlier today, and it was somewhat amazing to read this polished, exciting writing that, not so long ago, I produced. My new goal is to finish c4 by the time one of my writing partners decamps in late june. The difficulty with this project is that I have 35 pages on a single text that work well together and I need to integrate a second text into that writing that is of one fluid piece. Somehow, writing seems to congeal and the task of fragmenting it in order to rework it into something new is like breaking a femur that has healed improperly in order to reset it--arduous and frightening.

Why does "git 'er done" seem the only appropriate conclusion to such a prospect?

THE LISTS

to do class: Write JM recommendation. Read Horace and select poems. Finalize the midterm
done! nothing at all. Finally a day that is not claimed by teacherly duties.

to do work: Rewrite the last section of Carpentier in C2. Read Pépin secondary lit.
done! I started the revision of the Carpentier.

to do life: Clean the oil stain on my garage space. Pay down debt (currently $3,430). Procure dog. Get tix to reggaefest.
done! Did dishes. Put away clothes. Pilates.

to do blitz: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, marinn, nv