Behold my middle finger.
Can you see the slimy mass of Neosporin coating the sides, do you spot the blood seeping through it? It's not your fault if you can't, it's a very blurry pic. But take it from me if you must, this is the result of picking. I like to think of this as something that is out of my control because my mom tells a story about how when I was a baby, in the cradle no less! she had to cover my hands with mittens because I would otherwise scratch up my baby face with my baby nails. A story she does not like to tell quite as much is how when I was in around 5th grade,* she took me to a psychologist because I would not stop picking at my cuticles or any available scabs: she wanted the psychologist to help me figure out what the hell was wrong with me so that I would stop with the self-destruction. Instead I presented my most articulate and balanced self and the psych ended up grilling my poor mom about her control issues. I found that delightful at the time but maybe if the psych had done her job and figured out what the hell is wrong with me I wouldn't be in this jam now: I have to report that the picking is absolutely out of control. I and my crack team of nail clippers, tweezers, and a small tack are currently destroying:
a) scab on top of my head which will probably result in a charming bald spot
b) my lower lip
c) two former zits now transformed into middling scabs on my nose and chin
d) left thumb (which is permanently fucked because I destroyed the nailbed a few years ago)
e) right middle finger
f) right knee scab
g) both big toes
It's been a rough few months, one in which I've felt um, how shall we say? not personally empowered and not professionally desirable, but I'd like to have something left of my physical self with which to embark on the road to recovery. Come on body, work with me.
*It really could have been any time shortly before or at the outset of middle school as I think I've reconfigured the narrative of my youth so that all important things happened in the 3rd and 5th grades.
2 comments:
Two girls in my cohort are also pickers. One of them(per the advice of her doctor mother) has to knit or fold origami during class to keep from biting/picking her fingers into a bloody mess.
I hope your picking subsides!
Thanks apricot...it's something that comes and goes in waves.
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