response and neglect

I am repurposing this blog entry I wrote in October of last year when I was blogging on Myspace. I turned in a revised draft to my adviser last night and I am feeling this nagging anticipation in a big way:

i really do wish that i had more than tom's friendship here...much as i value his perfunctory welcome, i have a question that i doubt he will answer: how do you cope with neglect? i find if i've sent out a draft of my half chapter to my advisor (which i did this morning, yes!) i have a little piece of my mind that is in despair, waiting for a response. no matter how short or long the wait, i am in an abyss of proliferating worst case scenarios. likewise, when i call or email michael in the morning and the day goes by (in yesterday's case, with many busy, happy moments and lots of warm feelings stemming from the knowledge of good work done) without a peep of acknowledgment, i feel dismissed and rejected. i suspect that at the crux of this problem is that "waiting time" really has its own temporality: when i want a response, time slows down, my concentration focuses on that passage of time that goes by every so slowly while the other person blithely goes about her and his day, respectively, without realizing that i'm drowning, waiting for a response. is this psychotic? whether it is or not, it takes the sweetness out of my days and makes my steps heavy with worry and paranoid sadness.

The Lists

TO DO WORK:
Sun & Mon : Revise first GCI part of c3. DONE! Write chamoiseau close reading for c3. Not Done.
Tues: Finish revising c2 (intro/signposting, performance of identity tie-in for both close readings, coda). DONE!
Wed: Proofread c2 and send to fl. DONE! at 1:44 in the am, but done nonetheless. Now am fixated on getting a response.
Thurs: Day off.
Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon: Analyze dvd for c4 and send to Harmony.
Somewhere in there: Write a first draft of research statement.
Also done: Looked through the list of post-docs, will only apply for 2, maybe only 1.

TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $680.41). Procure dog. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance: call insurer, make appointment. Get Tanya's present. Return boxes to the container store. Assemble bathroom furniture. Sell file cabinet. Track down fridge. Take car into the mechanic for smog test.
DONE! Ordered present for Tanya, conf # 36543732. Did the monthly bills--am terrified over possible cost of car repair, but if the damage there is not too terrible, I should be alright until I get paid in November. Transferred one third of my ipod files onto my external hard drive which also has the entire contents of my computer drive, yay for back up! I did take my car in yesterday, and it is gruesome. It did not pass the smog test and needs quite a bit done to it ($500) just to get it legal and then, what with the oil leak, even taking care of half of it would be another $500. So, what I'm looking at is $600, with registration, for a car that may not last through the year.

TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, jerven, magdalena, staceymo.
new subset: TO DO CALL: hen, lauryn.
I've been feeling very reclusive--or lazy--of late, thus haven't contacted a soul.

Netflixed

Memoirs of a Geisha
I have say, I like it fine. Mostly, I like Michelle Yeow a lot. The whole premise is pretty disturbing, particularly the insistence that geisha means beauty and it doesn't mean prostitution, and no seeming appreciation of the disconnect between that idea and the tradition that you become a full geisha after you've sold your virginity to the highest bidder. I mean, really. So the unseen narrator irked me no end, but I liked it all the same.

Restau 99

Michael's
1147 Third Street, Santa Monica, CA 90403. 310.451.0843. Cali Contemporary, $$$$.
On the last day of the Pellegrino DineOut deal, we went to Michael's: it is a really beautiful spot, very lush garden, perfect temp. They make the most of la as a setting. And the food was excellent, we slightly overate, but not by too much. The first was a seasonal summer soup--chilled, creamy, with a dominant combination of chives and pistashios. Neither of us could figure out what the operative base vegetable was. I had a nice salad, again overdressed imo, but I will have to rememer the stilton, candied pecans and grapefruit for myself. Then the mains: Michael had the chicken au jus which was perfectly tender that came with sides of white corn grits and haricots verts. The grits were startlingly sweet and creamy--startling good, I thought, startling frowny face in Michael's estimation. My main was even better: the hanger steak in a bordelaise with yukon gold potato mash and wilty spinach. The meat was really a pleasure to eat. The desserts were alright: I had a berry shortcake, Michael had the decadent chocolate sampler, but both had overly enthusiastic dollops of cream all over everything. Thanks San Pellegrino, I would definitely go back to Michael's for a special occasion meal--although I still have about 50 restaurants to cover on the list before that's even an option.