I am repurposing this blog entry I wrote in October of last year when I was blogging on Myspace. I turned in a revised draft to my adviser last night and I am feeling this nagging anticipation in a big way:
i really do wish that i had more than tom's friendship here...much as i value his perfunctory welcome, i have a question that i doubt he will answer: how do you cope with neglect? i find if i've sent out a draft of my half chapter to my advisor (which i did this morning, yes!) i have a little piece of my mind that is in despair, waiting for a response. no matter how short or long the wait, i am in an abyss of proliferating worst case scenarios. likewise, when i call or email michael in the morning and the day goes by (in yesterday's case, with many busy, happy moments and lots of warm feelings stemming from the knowledge of good work done) without a peep of acknowledgment, i feel dismissed and rejected. i suspect that at the crux of this problem is that "waiting time" really has its own temporality: when i want a response, time slows down, my concentration focuses on that passage of time that goes by every so slowly while the other person blithely goes about her and his day, respectively, without realizing that i'm drowning, waiting for a response. is this psychotic? whether it is or not, it takes the sweetness out of my days and makes my steps heavy with worry and paranoid sadness.
The Lists
TO DO WORK:
Sun & Mon : Revise first GCI part of c3. DONE! Write chamoiseau close reading for c3. Not Done.
Tues: Finish revising c2 (intro/signposting, performance of identity tie-in for both close readings, coda). DONE!
Wed: Proofread c2 and send to fl. DONE! at 1:44 in the am, but done nonetheless. Now am fixated on getting a response.
Thurs: Day off.
Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon: Analyze dvd for c4 and send to Harmony.
Somewhere in there: Write a first draft of research statement.
Also done: Looked through the list of post-docs, will only apply for 2, maybe only 1.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $680.41). Procure dog. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance: call insurer, make appointment. Get Tanya's present. Return boxes to the container store. Assemble bathroom furniture. Sell file cabinet. Track down fridge. Take car into the mechanic for smog test.
DONE! Ordered present for Tanya, conf # 36543732. Did the monthly bills--am terrified over possible cost of car repair, but if the damage there is not too terrible, I should be alright until I get paid in November. Transferred one third of my ipod files onto my external hard drive which also has the entire contents of my computer drive, yay for back up! I did take my car in yesterday, and it is gruesome. It did not pass the smog test and needs quite a bit done to it ($500) just to get it legal and then, what with the oil leak, even taking care of half of it would be another $500. So, what I'm looking at is $600, with registration, for a car that may not last through the year.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, jerven, magdalena, staceymo.
new subset: TO DO CALL: hen, lauryn.
I've been feeling very reclusive--or lazy--of late, thus haven't contacted a soul.
Netflixed
Memoirs of a Geisha
I have say, I like it fine. Mostly, I like Michelle Yeow a lot. The whole premise is pretty disturbing, particularly the insistence that geisha means beauty and it doesn't mean prostitution, and no seeming appreciation of the disconnect between that idea and the tradition that you become a full geisha after you've sold your virginity to the highest bidder. I mean, really. So the unseen narrator irked me no end, but I liked it all the same.
Restau 99
Michael's
1147 Third Street, Santa Monica, CA 90403. 310.451.0843. Cali Contemporary, $$$$.
On the last day of the Pellegrino DineOut deal, we went to Michael's: it is a really beautiful spot, very lush garden, perfect temp. They make the most of la as a setting. And the food was excellent, we slightly overate, but not by too much. The first was a seasonal summer soup--chilled, creamy, with a dominant combination of chives and pistashios. Neither of us could figure out what the operative base vegetable was. I had a nice salad, again overdressed imo, but I will have to rememer the stilton, candied pecans and grapefruit for myself. Then the mains: Michael had the chicken au jus which was perfectly tender that came with sides of white corn grits and haricots verts. The grits were startlingly sweet and creamy--startling good, I thought, startling frowny face in Michael's estimation. My main was even better: the hanger steak in a bordelaise with yukon gold potato mash and wilty spinach. The meat was really a pleasure to eat. The desserts were alright: I had a berry shortcake, Michael had the decadent chocolate sampler, but both had overly enthusiastic dollops of cream all over everything. Thanks San Pellegrino, I would definitely go back to Michael's for a special occasion meal--although I still have about 50 restaurants to cover on the list before that's even an option.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
setback, reset
Yesterday was absolutely gruesome. I sometimes feel like my actions are somehow outside of my control: like it's outside of my control that I read "Dear Prudie" columns on slate.com back from 1998 onwards. Or that it's outside of my control to sprawl out on beddinge melting in my own sweat but not get up to turn the fan towards myself. And most of all, I become almost hysterical over the fact that I read Dear Prudie for hours at a stretch, while melting in my own sweat--simultaneously! instead of revising what little (s)crap(s) I have of c3. I was on the verge of tears and maniacal self-hatred last night about this: I was so angry at my incapacity to motivate myself, trying to analyze where this sense of helplessness over my own actions derives from, and felt absolutely desperate at the fact that Friday had slipped out of my incompetent grasp and I had only the weekend--a weekend I had planned would be full of fun--to pump something out before meeting with my writing partners on Monday.
I wouldn't exactly say that I've turned myself around today and am now on fire or anything, but changing locales seems to have helped--I am in Michael's air-conditioned room where there's no need to ration cold water--and I'm at least thinking and tapping away. Tap tap tap, delete, pause while staring off into space for indefinite periods of time, tap tap, check email, tap tap tap tap, pause, switch documents, tap, switch back to the previous document, tap tap, delete.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Rewrite first part of c3. Write chamoiseau close reading for c3. Write a first draft of research statement. Analyze dvd for c4. Finish revising c2 (intro/signposting, performance of identity tie-in for both close readings, coda)
DONE! Wrote an intro section to c3.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance: call insurer, make appointment. Get Tanya's present. Return boxes to the container store. Assemble bathroom furniture. Paint the bathroom. Sell file cabinet. Track down fridge.
DONE! Dad got on the horn about the misplacement of my new fridge, calling the delivery company, "quality express," a total misnomer. Dad's funny. Per usual, I haven't really reduced the "to do: life" list in any substantial way. I did make my little calendar for the upcoming academic year. Google calendar is great, but I find it's a good idea to have several copies of schedules, otherwise you do things like forget it's your friend Melissa's going away party last night. Except for the fact that I wouldn't have known anyone there except her, a major faux-pas.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, jerven, magdalena, staceymo.
new subset: TO DO CALL: hen, lauryn.
DONE! called diane, thanks gchat!
Netflixed
5X2
One of Ozon's truly depressing portraits of the essential incompatibility of people and the relationships in which they find themselves. 5X2 starts with a couple divorcing and works its way backwards through key events in their lives: when the husband, Gilles, can't bring himself to be present at his wife's, Marion's, difficult birth; when Marion has sex with a rando American on the night of her wedding to Gilles; when they seem to have nothing in common when they first get together. At moments, various characters seem to suggest that it is possible to be committed to another person even while your genitalia wanders astray--an argument I guess I buy but am quite certain I would be unable to live with--but it seems evident to me that Marion and Gilles were unfaithful and unsupportive partners in the most fundamental ways. Their betrayals weren't just sexual, it's more like they used sex--and the withholding of sex--to manifest their disgust with one another.
A interesting strain of sexual representation in French movies that I'm noticing is that French directors seem very keen to explore the ambiguities of sexual desire. Coming from a "no means no" background, it is always confusing and disconcerting to me to see the articulation of "no" as not meaning "no I don't want to have sex with you" but meaning "no I shouldn't want to have sex with you but I do want to and if you insist, I will and I'll enjoy it, even though my struggling and yelling no makes this look to a third wave U.S. feminist like a clear instance of rape." Maybe this is what Katie Roiphe, in her clumsy mainstream-media-pandering, feminism-backlash-bandwagon-riding fashion, was trying to get at. I can see that it may be a more nuanced and honest portrayal of the complications of the decision-making process re sex as happening on too many physical, emotional, and mental levels, but I still am massively uncomfortable with it. And with its filmic representation.
Restau 99
Lucques
Does it count if I've already been to Lucques? I've had mixed experiences at Lucques, but always excellent food. This week, we'll be going to two high-end restaurants in LA, thanks to the San Pellegrino Dine Out program: $25 prix fixe 3-course menu. How precisely we're contributing to resolving world hunger by being forced to drink salty bubbly water is unclear to me, but I am excited about the deals. My carrot soup was excellent--Michael's salad was seriously over-dressed. But then again, we are folk who prefer to encounter very little dressing or condiments whatsoever. His BLTA was quite yummy, but on day 2 is again suffering from the serious overdressing, my albacore was ok, severely marred for me by a heap o mayo in the center--the corn and greens beneath it were far preferable. The dessert was stellar--I had this ice cream butternut toffee chocolate sauce extravaganza that tasted like liquid brownie, and Michael had the sorbets. I'm disappointed in Lucques, I have to say: what's with the slathering and over-greaserness? However, it was a nice experience. It does feel good to be out at a special occasion place, all pretty and bright and an excess of cutlery.
I wouldn't exactly say that I've turned myself around today and am now on fire or anything, but changing locales seems to have helped--I am in Michael's air-conditioned room where there's no need to ration cold water--and I'm at least thinking and tapping away. Tap tap tap, delete, pause while staring off into space for indefinite periods of time, tap tap, check email, tap tap tap tap, pause, switch documents, tap, switch back to the previous document, tap tap, delete.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Rewrite first part of c3. Write chamoiseau close reading for c3. Write a first draft of research statement. Analyze dvd for c4. Finish revising c2 (intro/signposting, performance of identity tie-in for both close readings, coda)
DONE! Wrote an intro section to c3.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance: call insurer, make appointment. Get Tanya's present. Return boxes to the container store. Assemble bathroom furniture. Paint the bathroom. Sell file cabinet. Track down fridge.
DONE! Dad got on the horn about the misplacement of my new fridge, calling the delivery company, "quality express," a total misnomer. Dad's funny. Per usual, I haven't really reduced the "to do: life" list in any substantial way. I did make my little calendar for the upcoming academic year. Google calendar is great, but I find it's a good idea to have several copies of schedules, otherwise you do things like forget it's your friend Melissa's going away party last night. Except for the fact that I wouldn't have known anyone there except her, a major faux-pas.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, jerven, magdalena, staceymo.
new subset: TO DO CALL: hen, lauryn.
DONE! called diane, thanks gchat!
Netflixed
5X2
One of Ozon's truly depressing portraits of the essential incompatibility of people and the relationships in which they find themselves. 5X2 starts with a couple divorcing and works its way backwards through key events in their lives: when the husband, Gilles, can't bring himself to be present at his wife's, Marion's, difficult birth; when Marion has sex with a rando American on the night of her wedding to Gilles; when they seem to have nothing in common when they first get together. At moments, various characters seem to suggest that it is possible to be committed to another person even while your genitalia wanders astray--an argument I guess I buy but am quite certain I would be unable to live with--but it seems evident to me that Marion and Gilles were unfaithful and unsupportive partners in the most fundamental ways. Their betrayals weren't just sexual, it's more like they used sex--and the withholding of sex--to manifest their disgust with one another.
A interesting strain of sexual representation in French movies that I'm noticing is that French directors seem very keen to explore the ambiguities of sexual desire. Coming from a "no means no" background, it is always confusing and disconcerting to me to see the articulation of "no" as not meaning "no I don't want to have sex with you" but meaning "no I shouldn't want to have sex with you but I do want to and if you insist, I will and I'll enjoy it, even though my struggling and yelling no makes this look to a third wave U.S. feminist like a clear instance of rape." Maybe this is what Katie Roiphe, in her clumsy mainstream-media-pandering, feminism-backlash-bandwagon-riding fashion, was trying to get at. I can see that it may be a more nuanced and honest portrayal of the complications of the decision-making process re sex as happening on too many physical, emotional, and mental levels, but I still am massively uncomfortable with it. And with its filmic representation.
Restau 99
Lucques
Does it count if I've already been to Lucques? I've had mixed experiences at Lucques, but always excellent food. This week, we'll be going to two high-end restaurants in LA, thanks to the San Pellegrino Dine Out program: $25 prix fixe 3-course menu. How precisely we're contributing to resolving world hunger by being forced to drink salty bubbly water is unclear to me, but I am excited about the deals. My carrot soup was excellent--Michael's salad was seriously over-dressed. But then again, we are folk who prefer to encounter very little dressing or condiments whatsoever. His BLTA was quite yummy, but on day 2 is again suffering from the serious overdressing, my albacore was ok, severely marred for me by a heap o mayo in the center--the corn and greens beneath it were far preferable. The dessert was stellar--I had this ice cream butternut toffee chocolate sauce extravaganza that tasted like liquid brownie, and Michael had the sorbets. I'm disappointed in Lucques, I have to say: what's with the slathering and over-greaserness? However, it was a nice experience. It does feel good to be out at a special occasion place, all pretty and bright and an excess of cutlery.
Friday, August 24, 2007
grace
The New York Times wrote an obit for Grace Paley today. I knew she hadn't been well for a while but it still caught me by surprise. I really admire and love this woman, first as a writer. Her stories always have so much compassion for her characters, who she writes as being harried and uneventful, but very very honest with and interested in one another. Her spot-on dialogue always seem able to represent multiple generational or social perspectives. But within all this openness and effort to understand the motivations and situations of others, she also communicated very clear moral stances: there is one story where she discusses being in a segregationist context, on a bus, and she is holding a black baby boy and a white man tells her: "I wouldn't touch that thing with a meathook." And in the context where this violent and dehumanizing statement represents the status quo, all she can do is hold the baby closer to her. So even her protest manifests itself as an act of love and protection: love as a fierce rejection of articulations of hatred.
I love her work, but as I think about her, I realize that I model myself after her: I think she was the first truly elderly woman that I knew who could glory in being silly and childish and I didn't think she should act her age and I didn't lose any respect for her. I think admiring her and loving her as much as you can love someone who hardly knows you and whose life you are not a significant part of gave me a kind of permission to be silly and crazy and enjoy those aspects of my person without worrying that these outbursts would make me a less Serious Person.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Write chamoiseau close reading for c3. Write a first draft of research statement. Analyze dvd for c4. Finish revising c2 (intro/signposting, performance of identity tie-in for both close readings, coda)
DONE! Revised half of c2, still have to do tie-in for Pepin and the coda. Totally aborted attempt to rewrite the first parts of c3.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance. Get Tanya's present. Return boxes to the container store. Paint the bathroom. Resend Siff letter. Sell file cabinet.
DONE! Didn't need to send Siff letter--they found it! Bought more items for the bathroom, a shower caddy that stands alone and a shelf structure for above the toilet. Now I have to put them together. A setback: I cannot resurrect my suspension shower curtain, so I am left sans shower until the door gets installed. When? Who knows. More setbacks: my fridge seems to be irretrievably lost. The soonest I'll be able to get it will be next friday, I believe. Totally unacceptable.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, jerven, magdalena, staceymo.
new subset: TO DO CALL: hen, lauryn.
DONE! sent packages to Rafe and my cousin Cindy, blitzed Marianne.
Netflixed
The Iron Giant
I knew nothing of this movie other than it was Brad Bird's first (despite the kind of elitist ideological leanings of his movies, I totes admire and enjoy The Incredibles and Ratatouille). This one is hand-animated, forcibly creating a very different feel: it's mostly in the timing I think. Whereas the characters in pixar films have very malleable facial expression, shifting between nuances of a singular emotion very quickly, here, emotional change moves evidently frame by slower frame. It's not quite as fluid, and as a result, not quite as subtle. But anyway, The Iron Giant still does beautifully what animation does best, to my mind: to endow objects and animals with sentience and take seriously the emotional lives of non-human beings.
Moreover, I cried myself a boatload of tears at the end of the movie, translation: two thumbs up!
I love her work, but as I think about her, I realize that I model myself after her: I think she was the first truly elderly woman that I knew who could glory in being silly and childish and I didn't think she should act her age and I didn't lose any respect for her. I think admiring her and loving her as much as you can love someone who hardly knows you and whose life you are not a significant part of gave me a kind of permission to be silly and crazy and enjoy those aspects of my person without worrying that these outbursts would make me a less Serious Person.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Write chamoiseau close reading for c3. Write a first draft of research statement. Analyze dvd for c4. Finish revising c2 (intro/signposting, performance of identity tie-in for both close readings, coda)
DONE! Revised half of c2, still have to do tie-in for Pepin and the coda. Totally aborted attempt to rewrite the first parts of c3.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance. Get Tanya's present. Return boxes to the container store. Paint the bathroom. Resend Siff letter. Sell file cabinet.
DONE! Didn't need to send Siff letter--they found it! Bought more items for the bathroom, a shower caddy that stands alone and a shelf structure for above the toilet. Now I have to put them together. A setback: I cannot resurrect my suspension shower curtain, so I am left sans shower until the door gets installed. When? Who knows. More setbacks: my fridge seems to be irretrievably lost. The soonest I'll be able to get it will be next friday, I believe. Totally unacceptable.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, jerven, magdalena, staceymo.
new subset: TO DO CALL: hen, lauryn.
DONE! sent packages to Rafe and my cousin Cindy, blitzed Marianne.
Netflixed
The Iron Giant
I knew nothing of this movie other than it was Brad Bird's first (despite the kind of elitist ideological leanings of his movies, I totes admire and enjoy The Incredibles and Ratatouille). This one is hand-animated, forcibly creating a very different feel: it's mostly in the timing I think. Whereas the characters in pixar films have very malleable facial expression, shifting between nuances of a singular emotion very quickly, here, emotional change moves evidently frame by slower frame. It's not quite as fluid, and as a result, not quite as subtle. But anyway, The Iron Giant still does beautifully what animation does best, to my mind: to endow objects and animals with sentience and take seriously the emotional lives of non-human beings.
Moreover, I cried myself a boatload of tears at the end of the movie, translation: two thumbs up!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
time time time time
See this phone? It's a fine phone, is it not? I liked it especially because it was so black and sleek and understated. However, I probably spend about 15 minutes a day hunting around for it in my bag because it is so very unobtrusive that I can never spot it and so smooth that it slides around my bags and away from my desperate grasps. I am beginning to understand the impulse to bedazzle phones with those tacky crystals: easy attainability.
Although it's hard not to feel irritated at all the time I waste with stupid shit like the above, I do feel energized and hopeful. Neetu and I have set up some weekly goals and I went for a run and I'm looking forward to some early morning writing sessions.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Write chamoiseau close reading for c3. Write a first draft of research statement. Transcribe dvd. Analyze dvd for c4. Finish revising c2 (intro/signposting, performance of identity tie-in for both close readings, coda)
DONE! Read Ricoeur. Transcribed dvd. Finished Lesson planning for gwc.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Go running. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance. Get Tanya's present. Return boxes to the container store. Paint the bathroom. Resend Siff letter. Sell file cabinet.
DONE! Wrote letter to the board. Got scripts. Went for a run--so slow I was probably but a good start.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, jerven, magdalena, staceymo, lara, guilan.
new subset: TO DO CALL: katie, hen, lauryn.
DONE! katie called me, does that count? I left lauryn a message: A for effort, Z for accomplishment. Blitzed guilan, lara, anak.
Netflixed
The Larry Sanders Show
I did, at times, laugh out loud while watching the first dvd in the series--mostly at rip torn--but overall, larry sanders in the dvd and gary shandling compiling it were both too similar, in their squirm-inducing failures, and dissimilar, in gary shandling's decrepitude and fragility, to watch so many shows in close succession. This is the major flaw of shows on dvd for me: rather than have the week's span to forget about certain annoying patterns in the show's template or have my suspense heightened, I get weighed down by having different variations on the premise shoved down my throat simultaneously. But since I'm the one doing the shoving, I can hardly ascribe these problems to the quality of the show, it's just the hazard of mixed media.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
ready, set
Before
After
So the floors are done and I'm unpacked (still sans fridge) and back from my grandma's "bon voyage" party. It would not have been my choice to have such a party and I thought it a bit morbid, but it was actually nice to reconnect with some of my cousins and it was a beautiful day out in Marin. Gram was happy and it may be the last time I see her, so I'm glad I was able to be part of the visible accumulation of progeny. It was a very quick trip up, but it's a distraction that now is no longer. So, I'm ready to re-embark on my working life. Nothing stopping me now. Except my own procrastinations.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Write the first section on ecstatic memory in c3. Write a first draft of research statement.
DONE! have done nothing, but have big plans involving multi-tasking and reading ricoeur.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Go running. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance. Get Tanya's present. Unpack the house.
DONE! Unpacked the house. Put together a dinner party for Peter and Natalie.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, pk, jerven, magdalena, staceymo, lara, guilan.
new subset: TO DO CALL: katie, hen, lauryn.
DONE! oy! i keep adding people i need to email...interminable task, this communication thing.
Netflixed
Tropical Malady
From a Thai director, Apichatpong Weerasethakul, whose new movie is getting raves from le masque et la plume, this radio show podcast from france inter that I listen to and trust. There was almost no dialogue. Beautiful movie--lots of rainstorms in jungles as the protagonist tracked the tiger, but conversation is something I never knew I would miss quite so much until it was gone.
After
So the floors are done and I'm unpacked (still sans fridge) and back from my grandma's "bon voyage" party. It would not have been my choice to have such a party and I thought it a bit morbid, but it was actually nice to reconnect with some of my cousins and it was a beautiful day out in Marin. Gram was happy and it may be the last time I see her, so I'm glad I was able to be part of the visible accumulation of progeny. It was a very quick trip up, but it's a distraction that now is no longer. So, I'm ready to re-embark on my working life. Nothing stopping me now. Except my own procrastinations.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Write the first section on ecstatic memory in c3. Write a first draft of research statement.
DONE! have done nothing, but have big plans involving multi-tasking and reading ricoeur.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Go running. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance. Get Tanya's present. Unpack the house.
DONE! Unpacked the house. Put together a dinner party for Peter and Natalie.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, pk, jerven, magdalena, staceymo, lara, guilan.
new subset: TO DO CALL: katie, hen, lauryn.
DONE! oy! i keep adding people i need to email...interminable task, this communication thing.
Netflixed
Tropical Malady
From a Thai director, Apichatpong Weerasethakul, whose new movie is getting raves from le masque et la plume, this radio show podcast from france inter that I listen to and trust. There was almost no dialogue. Beautiful movie--lots of rainstorms in jungles as the protagonist tracked the tiger, but conversation is something I never knew I would miss quite so much until it was gone.
Friday, August 10, 2007
shao qi bai
In the end, this is what the shower now looks like. I still love the look of the hotmop effect, but this is so light and inviting and smooth: I am very happy with the results of all the work, but am more than ever preoccupied with the moral aspects of construction. It is my understanding that no matter what contractor you work with, there will be illegal immigrants at some point working on the job--if not doing the bulk of the work. And far be it for me to be against employing non-citizens, but it does usually indicate that there is exploitation. Shao qi bai is the name of a chinese man who was sub-sub-contracted to install the floors of my studio. Wiry, buzz cut to hide his thinning hair, wore one of those weight-lifter belts all the time, except for the smoking breaks. I had thought, jokingly, that he was the monica seles of floor installers--giving long, musical grunts with every push on the boards and sweep of the bostic glue. He fell ill on monday in the afternoon, unable to stand, holding his arm tight across his stomach, moaning. I couldn't do more than stare, while he grasped at the hands of one of his co-workers and the foreman argued with him. I speak no Chinese at all. I have no idea what his pain relates to. I know that no one seemed to want an ambulance called, but they did take him off to Kaiser's emergency services. I think. From the foreman's attitude, it would not surprise me if they dumped him on the nearest streetcorner, except that they returned 3 hours later.
This is how the responsibility gets evacuated: I hire a contractor with whom I have clear(ish) dealings, he sub-contracts out to foremen: I don't know what the terms of their arrangement are, exploitative or fair. Then the foreman employs men whose legal status and terms of employment are even more removed from me. All these layers are so that I don't have to know and can't be held accountable for whatever abuses might be committed in the production of my new floor. I know this is how the system works and I don't know how to change it in my own interactions, so I just pawn the dirty work off on my mother and try to close my eyes. Weak.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Write the first section on ecstatic memory in c3. Write a first draft of research statement. Write the mask section of c2. Make handouts and lesson plan for gwc session 3.
DONE! wrote the mask section of c2. wrote an outline of the research statement. cut and pasted a first section of c3. Made handouts and lesson plan for gwc session 3.
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Go running. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance. Move clothes around. Get Tanya's present. Make airline resas. Make Ashe appt. Pack up remaining kitchen stuff as well as the file cabinet.
DONE! Moved clothes from the closet. Made airline resas. Made Ashe appt. Packed everything up.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, pk, jerven, magdalena, staceymo.
new subset: TO DO CALL: katie, hen, lauryn.
DONE! pk, lauryn, wrote to jerven--it didn't go through.
Netflixed
Sophie Scholl: The Last Days
A very sad movie about a couple of kids who are executed for having put out oppositional leaflets in munich in the 40s. What was so heartbreaking in watching it is their certainty and desire for their ideas to resonate, and the movie just leaves it utterly uncertain as to whether their ideas and rhetoric and passion is making any impace on their interlocutors: particularly at the court, the audience is totally unreadable--are they sympathetic and afraid to show it or indifferent? Moreover, what emerged for me as much as the monumentality of the sacrifice of the members of the white rose was the totally extreme punishment on the part of the regime.
Dreamgirls
I really enjoyed this movie. Ever since I was a little kid and I had a set of tapes of 50s and 60s hits that fit into a two miniature plastic jukeboxes, hot pink and turquoise. I love motown and I thought the songs crafted for the movie were generally nowhere near as good. but the montages of plot development during the musical numbers worked brilliantly. That is, the song and video are intercut with images of the context around the production of the song and its effects on the artists who are either involved or iced out.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
writing the argument
"Throw away the lights, the definitions
And say of what you see in the dark
That it is this or that it is that,
But do not use the rotted names."
-Wallace Stevens
"The Man with the Blue Guitar"
I am embarking on trying to write a first draft of a statement of research, which will serve as a template for cover letters and postdoc apps. I am trying to follow Stevens' advice, which I have repurposed for this situation to mean: don't use jargon, don't use phrases and words that you've heard and repeated so many times that they don't excite the brain and the tongue off of which they thud to the ground. But, sitting here with sweat forming on my upper lip, listening to the sharp buzz of tiles being cut, it is hard to perform such reimaginations. Much easier to tinker with the font of my cv.
Shakespeare in the Park
We saw Richard II this past Saturday. My parents opted not to come with: as we'd been driving about all day, they were pretty exhausted and just wanted to stay home (and watch my Netflix). So we got there and laid about in the damp night-grass. The play is long and the tension really doesn't break at all. It starts with scandal and the machinations of the king and moves from duel to banishment to death to regime change. Very corking. I like the histories a lot. I wonder why they don't get performed more?
However, I think this will be the last time I go to Shakespeare in the Park. Last year, we saw Hamlet there and found it quite good. We were especially interested in the choice by the lead actor to play Hamlet in a somewhat sardonic, mocking manner--quite a contrast to the melodrama that character is usually imbued with. And the same actor was the lead in Richard II. Which he played in a somewhat sardonic, mocking manner. So that interesting choice: a shtick. What worked for Hamlet, a young, insecure prince trying to find his way, did not for Richard II, who came off as a fop with nothing to lose, despite the many speeches re "my cares." None of the craven scheming and power-hunger reflected in this portrayal. Too bad.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Outline the chapter. Write the first section on ecstatic memory. Write a first draft of research statement. Write the mask section of c2.
DONE! updated cv. cleaned up computer desktop
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Go running. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Send siff letter. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance. Move clothes around. Cover books.
done: Figured out where my missing contacts had gone off to. Asked tiler to please tear out two pieces and redo them: turns out there was no need for all my last night's dramz. he said: you want me to tear those out? no problem. I hope to god they're being slightly more careful with cutting today so I don't have to make that request again. Sent siff letter.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, pk.
new subset: TO DO CALL: katie, hen, lauryn.
Restau 99
Lou
Cali Contemporary. 724 N. Vine St. Hollywood. 323.962.6369. dinner mon-sat. $
We went to Lou after our downtown adventure last thursday. We trolled around Little Tokyo for hours then saw a free concert in the First and Central series at the Japanese American National Museum with Destiny Wolf (cheesy lite jazz singer) and Máquina Loca, which was fun. Lots of bopping about in my chair and huggling with Michael. Anyway! I find the decor at Lou hipster-hideous, the only mercy is that hiphid requires a darkness that makes almost everything else invisible. The kitchen at Lou is operational until 11, they don't take resas, we got a table right away, and the food was excellent. We split everything, the garlic bread, the frisée salad with roasted goat cheese the savory zucchini tart and the flat-iron beef with fingerling potatoes. Pleasantly full, pockets undrained.
Village Idiot
Gastropub/English. 7383 Melrose. LA. 323.655.3331. lunch and dinner everyday (open until 2 am). $
Yum. We got there after Shakespeare in the Park ended, right before eleven and so had to choose from the reduced bar menu. Michael had spicy sausages and mashed potatoes (which I want to call "bangers and mash" but really, i have no idea) and I had the leek and goat cheese tart. Both quite good, but not exquisite. The dessert seemed utterly uninspired.
Casa Bianca
Italian (pizza). 1650 Colorado. Eagle Rock. 323.256.9617. dinner tues-sat. $
Do you think maybe pepperoni and sun-dried tomatoes are not the best combo? We did take-out from there last night and it was just not at all terrific. I think I don't like think-crust as much as Michael and everyone else in the universe who genuflects over it. Estimation of Casa Bianca: downright bad. Oh Jonathan Gold, I follow you like a trusting lamb and you can mislead me so!
I have to say, I am becoming dubious of this list: neither Village Idiot or Casa Bianca seem to me to belong on a list of the 99 best restaurants in la.
And say of what you see in the dark
That it is this or that it is that,
But do not use the rotted names."
-Wallace Stevens
"The Man with the Blue Guitar"
I am embarking on trying to write a first draft of a statement of research, which will serve as a template for cover letters and postdoc apps. I am trying to follow Stevens' advice, which I have repurposed for this situation to mean: don't use jargon, don't use phrases and words that you've heard and repeated so many times that they don't excite the brain and the tongue off of which they thud to the ground. But, sitting here with sweat forming on my upper lip, listening to the sharp buzz of tiles being cut, it is hard to perform such reimaginations. Much easier to tinker with the font of my cv.
Shakespeare in the Park
We saw Richard II this past Saturday. My parents opted not to come with: as we'd been driving about all day, they were pretty exhausted and just wanted to stay home (and watch my Netflix). So we got there and laid about in the damp night-grass. The play is long and the tension really doesn't break at all. It starts with scandal and the machinations of the king and moves from duel to banishment to death to regime change. Very corking. I like the histories a lot. I wonder why they don't get performed more?
However, I think this will be the last time I go to Shakespeare in the Park. Last year, we saw Hamlet there and found it quite good. We were especially interested in the choice by the lead actor to play Hamlet in a somewhat sardonic, mocking manner--quite a contrast to the melodrama that character is usually imbued with. And the same actor was the lead in Richard II. Which he played in a somewhat sardonic, mocking manner. So that interesting choice: a shtick. What worked for Hamlet, a young, insecure prince trying to find his way, did not for Richard II, who came off as a fop with nothing to lose, despite the many speeches re "my cares." None of the craven scheming and power-hunger reflected in this portrayal. Too bad.
The Lists
TO DO WORK: Outline the chapter. Write the first section on ecstatic memory. Write a first draft of research statement. Write the mask section of c2.
DONE! updated cv. cleaned up computer desktop
TO DO LIFE: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Go running. Buy suit. Read Therí's paper. Send siff letter. Go to dmv and figure out car insurance. Move clothes around. Cover books.
done: Figured out where my missing contacts had gone off to. Asked tiler to please tear out two pieces and redo them: turns out there was no need for all my last night's dramz. he said: you want me to tear those out? no problem. I hope to god they're being slightly more careful with cutting today so I don't have to make that request again. Sent siff letter.
TO DO BLITZ: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, toño, pk.
new subset: TO DO CALL: katie, hen, lauryn.
Restau 99
Lou
Cali Contemporary. 724 N. Vine St. Hollywood. 323.962.6369. dinner mon-sat. $
We went to Lou after our downtown adventure last thursday. We trolled around Little Tokyo for hours then saw a free concert in the First and Central series at the Japanese American National Museum with Destiny Wolf (cheesy lite jazz singer) and Máquina Loca, which was fun. Lots of bopping about in my chair and huggling with Michael. Anyway! I find the decor at Lou hipster-hideous, the only mercy is that hiphid requires a darkness that makes almost everything else invisible. The kitchen at Lou is operational until 11, they don't take resas, we got a table right away, and the food was excellent. We split everything, the garlic bread, the frisée salad with roasted goat cheese the savory zucchini tart and the flat-iron beef with fingerling potatoes. Pleasantly full, pockets undrained.
Village Idiot
Gastropub/English. 7383 Melrose. LA. 323.655.3331. lunch and dinner everyday (open until 2 am). $
Yum. We got there after Shakespeare in the Park ended, right before eleven and so had to choose from the reduced bar menu. Michael had spicy sausages and mashed potatoes (which I want to call "bangers and mash" but really, i have no idea) and I had the leek and goat cheese tart. Both quite good, but not exquisite. The dessert seemed utterly uninspired.
Casa Bianca
Italian (pizza). 1650 Colorado. Eagle Rock. 323.256.9617. dinner tues-sat. $
Do you think maybe pepperoni and sun-dried tomatoes are not the best combo? We did take-out from there last night and it was just not at all terrific. I think I don't like think-crust as much as Michael and everyone else in the universe who genuflects over it. Estimation of Casa Bianca: downright bad. Oh Jonathan Gold, I follow you like a trusting lamb and you can mislead me so!
I have to say, I am becoming dubious of this list: neither Village Idiot or Casa Bianca seem to me to belong on a list of the 99 best restaurants in la.
what are the odds
of hearing "play that funky music white boy" twice in one day? I don't know that I've heard it in years, and yet, once on the oldies station while coming home this morning and once this afternoon on the tile man's jack fm radio. I was happy for the twang of the song the first time and happy for the coincidence of it the second.
The tile man has been here since 10:30 in the morning. It's now 7:30. Tile work is not nearly as impressive as hotmopping, and sadly, the polished, bubbly quality of the tar has been coated in gray layers of mortar dust: it's as if the shiny hot mop had never worked its magic. Moreover, I have been sleepy and starving all day long. It's important for me to be here, even though I don't even pop into their area to check out the work because if there are complications with the building manager, I have to step up. But the "if" factor makes for a dull day: this is how security officers must feel, constantly patrolling and having to be alert for something that is not occurring.
Perhaps what I should have been patrolling was the work itself. After they left, I looked around and found that I really hated the way two of the tiles fit together: they weren't quite cut right and they don't look good. I'm very much in knots about it, how to tell people that I'm not pleased with part of the job: will I be insulting their craftsmanship? And will it cost them an inordinate amount of money? I know I have to protect my space and make sure the job gets done right, and I know I have to be straightforward about this, but I find it really difficult to handle.
THE LISTS:
to do work: Outline the chapter. Write the first section on ecstatic memory. Write a first draft of research statement. Write the mask section of c2.
done! wrote two paragraphs of the ecstatic memory section. Read 3 pretty useless articles.
to do life: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Send siff letter. Go to dmv. Go running.
done: wrote draft of siff letter.
to do blitz: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, hen.
The tile man has been here since 10:30 in the morning. It's now 7:30. Tile work is not nearly as impressive as hotmopping, and sadly, the polished, bubbly quality of the tar has been coated in gray layers of mortar dust: it's as if the shiny hot mop had never worked its magic. Moreover, I have been sleepy and starving all day long. It's important for me to be here, even though I don't even pop into their area to check out the work because if there are complications with the building manager, I have to step up. But the "if" factor makes for a dull day: this is how security officers must feel, constantly patrolling and having to be alert for something that is not occurring.
Perhaps what I should have been patrolling was the work itself. After they left, I looked around and found that I really hated the way two of the tiles fit together: they weren't quite cut right and they don't look good. I'm very much in knots about it, how to tell people that I'm not pleased with part of the job: will I be insulting their craftsmanship? And will it cost them an inordinate amount of money? I know I have to protect my space and make sure the job gets done right, and I know I have to be straightforward about this, but I find it really difficult to handle.
THE LISTS:
to do work: Outline the chapter. Write the first section on ecstatic memory. Write a first draft of research statement. Write the mask section of c2.
done! wrote two paragraphs of the ecstatic memory section. Read 3 pretty useless articles.
to do life: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Send siff letter. Go to dmv. Go running.
done: wrote draft of siff letter.
to do blitz: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, hen.
hot mop
We are in the midst of a hard-core renovation: bathroom destruction and bamboo floor installation. The process has been a pretty mysterious one for us, including 48 hour notification rules popping up like weeds at my building. But the most amusing mystery has been the process of hotmopping the shower. What could a hot mop be? Mom thought it was actually "hard mop," Dad thought it sounded most like a lame last-minute Christmas gift, like a chia pet. I started setting hop mop to 50s jingles. But anyway: because we've taken out a truly ancient and disgusting tub and decided to put in a tile wall and floor with a glass door to create a shower instead of replacing the tub, there has to be a protective barrier between the water and the walls: this is created by the hot mop process which we finally discovered consists of first a cement frame, then a layer of black paper that kind of looks like sandpaper, then layer after layer of tar, spread on the surface by dipping a mop into a bucket of tar and mopping around. Once seen in action, it was all so clear--a mop literally coated with bubbling tar. If only my condo's regulations would ever make such sense.
THE LISTS:
to do work: Outline the chapter. Write the first section on ecstatic memory. Write a first draft of research statement. Write the mask section of c2.
to do life: Pay down debt (currently $1,031.09). Procure dog. Send siff letter. Go to dmv. Go running.
to do blitz: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, sf, marzena, thérèse, hen.
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