ugly feelings

is the title of a book I really admire. I also have been reading Sedgwick's work on shame and find it asbolutely illuminating. So I have a lot of theoretical tools for analyzing that not-so-proud feeling that occasionally pulses through me. I have realized that someone I know and like is doing a very similar project to mine. Last week, I discovered that we share advisors. Today, I found that we are both in a program where we will have the chance to teach courses based on our dissertations and her description of her course sounds just like mine. Only more interesting. I feel overshadowed in her presence, both by her personality and by her knowledge base. Moreover, she is so sweet and supportive when we cross paths. Mind, I am also sweet and supportive of her when we cross paths, but I do feel this impossible combination of insecurity that my work is worse than hers and protectiveness over work of mine that she might potentially steal. The incompatibility of these fears seems indicative of the possibility that this is an issue I need to work out with myself that I am projecting onto her, or that she triggers in me, but even with that therapese assessment, it will be difficult to feel equanimity when taking a course with her.

THE LISTS

to do class: Write JM recommendation. Edit syllabus. Make grades spreadsheet.
done! Edited syllabus. Realized that there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to how I organize the texts.

to do work: write a draft of the p of i section.
done! nothing other than a blossoming of my feeling of total helplessness on this.

to do life: Pay down debt (currently $2,326.09). Procure dog. Redo taxes. Figure out Amazon.com problem. Repot ginko tree and cactus.

to do blitz: sarah, marilyn, giulia, irmary, mariana, dar, nv, robin, fl, ek.