Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
a few frustrations
Well, it helps to stop reading secondary sources and reread the primary source.
Now, I have a collection of thoughts that I know haven't been written on yet, although I'm not sure if they hang together in a coherent argument. I guess the problem now is that I'm not entirely sure if I disagree with the criticism that's out there or if the text is ultimately as deep as I'm making it out to be by suggesting that it is what the going criticism says it is, but it's also more than that. At this point, all I can do is to try to write through it and figure out what I think by writing things that I think I might think. Sound confusing? Go figure...I'm confused!
In other frustrations, I am trying to move over to parabens-free lotions and body care: so far, the deodorant switch has worked out (crystal), I fully heart my new face lotion (alba botanicals), but the search for parabens-free dandruff-control shampoo (crucial given my dark hair and habit of wearing all black all the time) is not going well: I used to use this stuff from lush that smelled like a roof being tarred, then switched to Neutrogena T-Gel. Today I tried Avalon Organics' stuff and not only do I have flakes galore, but my hair also has the consistency of straw. Not good. Any further suggestions?
To contrast these frustrations, I have my lovely daemon here. Or rather this is the daemon that I am. According to the 20 questions they pose over at the golden compass website that focus I think unduly on your relationships with others--do you like to talk to strangers, do you like to talk to strangers at a party, do you like to talk to strangers in a house, do you like to talk to strangers with a mouse.
Netflixed
Once
I loved this movie about how friendships develop intensely, at different stages of intensity for each party, how friendship can cross over into romance and tiptoe back again. And the music is really moving--a little emo, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Now, I have a collection of thoughts that I know haven't been written on yet, although I'm not sure if they hang together in a coherent argument. I guess the problem now is that I'm not entirely sure if I disagree with the criticism that's out there or if the text is ultimately as deep as I'm making it out to be by suggesting that it is what the going criticism says it is, but it's also more than that. At this point, all I can do is to try to write through it and figure out what I think by writing things that I think I might think. Sound confusing? Go figure...I'm confused!
In other frustrations, I am trying to move over to parabens-free lotions and body care: so far, the deodorant switch has worked out (crystal), I fully heart my new face lotion (alba botanicals), but the search for parabens-free dandruff-control shampoo (crucial given my dark hair and habit of wearing all black all the time) is not going well: I used to use this stuff from lush that smelled like a roof being tarred, then switched to Neutrogena T-Gel. Today I tried Avalon Organics' stuff and not only do I have flakes galore, but my hair also has the consistency of straw. Not good. Any further suggestions?
To contrast these frustrations, I have my lovely daemon here. Or rather this is the daemon that I am. According to the 20 questions they pose over at the golden compass website that focus I think unduly on your relationships with others--do you like to talk to strangers, do you like to talk to strangers at a party, do you like to talk to strangers in a house, do you like to talk to strangers with a mouse.
Netflixed
Once
I loved this movie about how friendships develop intensely, at different stages of intensity for each party, how friendship can cross over into romance and tiptoe back again. And the music is really moving--a little emo, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
slogging through
I normally work on stuff that not many people have worked over. Generally, I've felt this is both exciting to me but also a professional duty to bring lesser known authors into the conversation of texts that we work on and bring them to the attention of people who might teach them. Today though I'm wondering if it's because I'm just not very good at teasing out new angles of work that has already been pondered and thoroughly analyzed. For the first time in my diss, I'm working on a text where the point I have to make is pretty minimal and where there is a ton of secondary lit to wade through. Having waded through it, I feel like I'm digging a little tiny hole in a sandy beach--impermanent, unimpactful, uninteresting.
Because I'm not sure what I want to say, whether it's worth saying or has already been said, it makes it very very hard to get up in the morning and write.
Because I'm not sure what I want to say, whether it's worth saying or has already been said, it makes it very very hard to get up in the morning and write.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
once my head stops dedicating itself to mucus production
I will start to dedicate myself to dissy production.
For real.
The other day in the midst of a back-and-forth with my advisor about future plans and she wrote: "please concentrate on finishing the diss, then the rest will fall into place!"
And this freaked me out a little bit. The "please."
And now I'm freaked out, I think legitimately. I want to walk this June--my parents want to watch me in the hooding ceremony and I have to admit, I want to be part of that ritual. So, in order to have that, I need to file by June 2nd. That is, I have to have the draft in acceptable shape and with F, J, and S having signed off on it by May 31.
What needs to be done by then:
finish Chapter 3: write the Cham section (20 pages) --> Jan; and last GCI section (10 pages) + of course, reframe the whole chapter --> Feb.
Reframe Chapter 4: Eliminate some sections and beef up the MC section --> March.
Reorg Chapter 1: Create some actual structure for this chapter --> April.
Write a critical intro: ?? also April?
Get comments and generally rewrite; also get the whole thing formatted and fix the bibliographies and all that appropriate: um, also April? or maybe I can format and fix things while I'm getting comments? um, yeah.
Soooo, do I have reason to be nervous?
Well, I'm feeling like I'll have to revisit this timeline if I don't get C3 finished in a sufficiently quickstep way. Aiiiiieee!
Netflixed
Transamerica
Bree was funny in a restrained way. She catches you off guard with how charming she is.
The Ground Truth
So many sighs. It is an obvious fact, but there is a large large group of men--and some women--generally of fewer economic possibilities and or of color who are totally totally damaged by their experience from having been trained to dehumanize and kill. I have a student who is in the ROTC. He is very sweet. His favorite tv show is Ninja Warrior and his favorite movie is Master and Commander.
For real.
The other day in the midst of a back-and-forth with my advisor about future plans and she wrote: "please concentrate on finishing the diss, then the rest will fall into place!"
And this freaked me out a little bit. The "please."
And now I'm freaked out, I think legitimately. I want to walk this June--my parents want to watch me in the hooding ceremony and I have to admit, I want to be part of that ritual. So, in order to have that, I need to file by June 2nd. That is, I have to have the draft in acceptable shape and with F, J, and S having signed off on it by May 31.
What needs to be done by then:
finish Chapter 3: write the Cham section (20 pages) --> Jan; and last GCI section (10 pages) + of course, reframe the whole chapter --> Feb.
Reframe Chapter 4: Eliminate some sections and beef up the MC section --> March.
Reorg Chapter 1: Create some actual structure for this chapter --> April.
Write a critical intro: ?? also April?
Get comments and generally rewrite; also get the whole thing formatted and fix the bibliographies and all that appropriate: um, also April? or maybe I can format and fix things while I'm getting comments? um, yeah.
Soooo, do I have reason to be nervous?
Well, I'm feeling like I'll have to revisit this timeline if I don't get C3 finished in a sufficiently quickstep way. Aiiiiieee!
Netflixed
Transamerica
Bree was funny in a restrained way. She catches you off guard with how charming she is.
The Ground Truth
So many sighs. It is an obvious fact, but there is a large large group of men--and some women--generally of fewer economic possibilities and or of color who are totally totally damaged by their experience from having been trained to dehumanize and kill. I have a student who is in the ROTC. He is very sweet. His favorite tv show is Ninja Warrior and his favorite movie is Master and Commander.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
recapping 2007 meme
I'm a bit late on this meme, but because all the academic bloggers I like have done it, I will too! Why not? I only have a postdoc app to do by tomorrow? Perfect time for a meme!
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
2007's been a lot of same old same old--but in a good way. I think.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
To a certain extent. There were a fair number of things that were out of my control, I flaked on others. But I like making plans, to wit the very name of my blog, so I've boldly written up a whole set of goals and desires for the upcoming year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Both my gram and my abue passed away this year.
5. What countries did you visit?
Stayed within the U.S., much to my chagrin.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A finished dissertation.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Numbers tend to swim in my head, evading inscription.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Keeping my shit together on the day to day. Seriously, working my way out of depression and keeping myself afloat moderately well since April is big for me.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I could probably come up with something failure-ish, but I don't feel like a big failure or like I've failed in any serious way, so let's stay positive while positivity's here?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
The suit and the heels to match.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The Adviser, for totally coming correct with the job app support and advice.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Oh man. Elected officials at the federal level. On a more local level, one of my students made me angry enough to spit. But that's not the same as appalled, I guess.
14. Where did most of your money go?
This is interesting. Because you see, I invariably pop open my chase account at the end of the month, the one credit card I use on the daily, and look at the numbers and say, what $15 here? $90 there? how does all this nonsense add up to $1036? But it does. So perhaps my money disappears into an inability to add as the month progresses. But really, I have to say, I don't regret any of my purchases: a girl has got to eat good food, drink her kombucha, buy watermarked paper, and go to plenty of shows. That's just how it is.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Knut, the baby polar bear who is bewitching all of Berlin!
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Amy Winehouse's "Rehab."
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
I think I was pretty happy last year around this time, and I think I'm pretty happy now. No drastic changes in the appearance. Richer--that is, out of debt.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Fallen asleep after 10:30 at night. Particularly nights when I was at shows.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Read perezhilton.com
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With Mr. Baby's clan in the Chicago.
21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Nope, just stayed in love.
22. How many one-night stands?
None.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
The Closer. Via Netflix.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Uh, no. I think I might be too much of a hermit to develop enmities.
25. What was the best book you read?
Amy Hempel's collected short stories.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Leningrad, this gypsy-sounding eastern european band featured in the Everything Is Illuminated movie.
27. What did you want and get? 28. What did you want and not get?
I'm bundling these because the outcome is still not determined: a job.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
That's rough. I'm going to go with In the Time of the Wolf.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned thirty and I went to the opera--both very dramatic.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not having to deal with repeated car trubs while living in the fair metropolis of Los Angeles.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
The flip-flop.
33. What kept you sane?
Several whos, not a what: tied for first, mr. baby being on my team and my writing partners and dearest colegas.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Becks!
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Here, I have to give a shout out to my dad: prop 92, a CA state-wide measure that would limit fee increases at CA community colleges. Seriously, please go to www.prop92yes.com and, all y'all californians, don't forget to vote in February.
36. Who did you miss?
Gaby, who I have totally lost track of and been very remiss in supporting as a good friend this year.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
My office mates who are hilarious and helpful.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Making myself feel bad is not a worthwhile way of prodding forth productivity. That is, work that emerges from guilt or from a general sense of worthlessness is of little value (also generally does not actually exist).
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find--Natasha Bedingfield
And with that, back to working through the postdoc project description.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
2007's been a lot of same old same old--but in a good way. I think.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
To a certain extent. There were a fair number of things that were out of my control, I flaked on others. But I like making plans, to wit the very name of my blog, so I've boldly written up a whole set of goals and desires for the upcoming year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Both my gram and my abue passed away this year.
5. What countries did you visit?
Stayed within the U.S., much to my chagrin.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A finished dissertation.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Numbers tend to swim in my head, evading inscription.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Keeping my shit together on the day to day. Seriously, working my way out of depression and keeping myself afloat moderately well since April is big for me.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I could probably come up with something failure-ish, but I don't feel like a big failure or like I've failed in any serious way, so let's stay positive while positivity's here?
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
The suit and the heels to match.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The Adviser, for totally coming correct with the job app support and advice.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Oh man. Elected officials at the federal level. On a more local level, one of my students made me angry enough to spit. But that's not the same as appalled, I guess.
14. Where did most of your money go?
This is interesting. Because you see, I invariably pop open my chase account at the end of the month, the one credit card I use on the daily, and look at the numbers and say, what $15 here? $90 there? how does all this nonsense add up to $1036? But it does. So perhaps my money disappears into an inability to add as the month progresses. But really, I have to say, I don't regret any of my purchases: a girl has got to eat good food, drink her kombucha, buy watermarked paper, and go to plenty of shows. That's just how it is.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Knut, the baby polar bear who is bewitching all of Berlin!
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Amy Winehouse's "Rehab."
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
I think I was pretty happy last year around this time, and I think I'm pretty happy now. No drastic changes in the appearance. Richer--that is, out of debt.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Fallen asleep after 10:30 at night. Particularly nights when I was at shows.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Read perezhilton.com
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With Mr. Baby's clan in the Chicago.
21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Nope, just stayed in love.
22. How many one-night stands?
None.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
The Closer. Via Netflix.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Uh, no. I think I might be too much of a hermit to develop enmities.
25. What was the best book you read?
Amy Hempel's collected short stories.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Leningrad, this gypsy-sounding eastern european band featured in the Everything Is Illuminated movie.
27. What did you want and get? 28. What did you want and not get?
I'm bundling these because the outcome is still not determined: a job.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
That's rough. I'm going to go with In the Time of the Wolf.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned thirty and I went to the opera--both very dramatic.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not having to deal with repeated car trubs while living in the fair metropolis of Los Angeles.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
The flip-flop.
33. What kept you sane?
Several whos, not a what: tied for first, mr. baby being on my team and my writing partners and dearest colegas.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Becks!
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Here, I have to give a shout out to my dad: prop 92, a CA state-wide measure that would limit fee increases at CA community colleges. Seriously, please go to www.prop92yes.com and, all y'all californians, don't forget to vote in February.
36. Who did you miss?
Gaby, who I have totally lost track of and been very remiss in supporting as a good friend this year.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
My office mates who are hilarious and helpful.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Making myself feel bad is not a worthwhile way of prodding forth productivity. That is, work that emerges from guilt or from a general sense of worthlessness is of little value (also generally does not actually exist).
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find--Natasha Bedingfield
And with that, back to working through the postdoc project description.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
mla
Really, it's unfair to call this post mla: mla itself was totally fine. The Sheraton (of the foreign language departments) seemed pretty calm to me, in comparison to what I'd heard about the Hyatt (where the English/American studies people were stationed). I saw some interesting talks, my interview was totally pleasant, and in general, it seemed a fine time. After my one spotty experience, I'm wondering if even the purportedly intellectual business of it in the panels--which definitely takes second place to committee meetings, networking, and interviewing--isn't also like the more overtly "state of the academy" type speeches also establishing where we are, as a profession: that is, are the panels a way of signaling to all comers, "these are the intellectual directions that we're moving in and these are the hot topics, people, carry the message out to your folk as you scatter off to your home institutions"?
Anyway, any misery I might have experienced there wasn't really due to mla at all, but external factors. Factor 1) was that my gram, about whose proceeding illness and her way of approaching death I have blogged about sometimes in not the nicest of ways, did pass on Wednesday night, which corresponded to night before day 1 of mla. That was one of the hardest evenings I can remember: Michael and his family had dropped me off at my friend's place up in Lakeview, where I was to stay during mla. It is a new apartment and she hasn't really moved in yet, so the space felt cavernous and so lonely, particularly with the ambient light of the Chicago night streaming into the living room through large panel windows. Curled up on the pull-out couch, I coughed and cough and cried and cried. Now, I have the capacity to use work as a means of totally shutting off emotional distress. So, the next day, I woke up and got down to the business. But shuttling back and forth throughout the day between talking to my dad and doing the prep work I had to do was really exhausting and sad. Mostly, I knew I couldn't be there, and I wouldn't have been of much help even if I had been there, but I felt like I should have been anyway.
Factor 2) was that I was sick. I can't be sure how much of this was stress-driven and how much of it is more, the only word I can think of is legitimate but that's not what I mean, let's say, not stress-driven. However, the morning we left for Chicago, the 23rd, I was violently ill: puking until my abs hurt, dizzy and weak. Having just seen Transformers, once I felt slightly better, I started calling these upsets the "decepticons in my tummy," because it felt like there was a lot of rumbling and shape-shifting and blowing shit up in there--just like decepticons, obvs. Anyway, the tummy troubles continued throughout Christmas and mla: some bloating issues, some inability to eat, some puking = no fun. In addition, on the plane ride, despite having chugged Airborne before flying, I picked up a little head cold of some kind. I am still subject to some coughing fits. But here's how it played out while I was in Chicago:
Dec 23-26--some sniffling and sneezing.
Dec 27 (Day 1 of mla)--lots of coughing and throat getting a little hoarse.
Dec 28 (Day 2 of mla)--lost my voice entirely.
Dec 29 (Day 3 of mla)--regained voice, but sounded like I'd been chain-smoking for 20 years straight, like not even taking a break from smoking to nap.
Now, Day 2, the day I opened my mouth and no sound came out, was the day of my panel. That's right. All I could do was pass 'round copies of my paper and nod while the chair of the session read my paper for me. I was really sad about that as I genuinely enjoy delivering papers. But what can a whispery croakster do?
Day 3 was the day of the interview. I'm glad I had a voice. Lots of flurried texts between myself and my director of graduate studies were exchanged on Day 2 about what to do about the no-voice situation but that worked out fine. I felt good going in there, especially because I ran into an old undergrad professor of mine in the elevator on the way up to the interview and she told me, "remember, you're interviewing them too." Ha ha. Sweet, but ha ha. And as I said, the interview was pleasant: I do like a captive audience and a lot of what we were all saying about teaching techniques and ideas seemed to resonate back and forth. So, whether or not I go further or not in this process, it was a good experience.
Meanwhile, the entire time, I had this intense rash covering my back, chest and tummy, lower legs, down the insides of my forearms and up my neck: I have no idea what scarlet fever looks like and hope never to travel back in time to be in Little Women, but as soon as I saw the little red goose bump sized bumps covering large parts of my body, it was the first thing that came to mind. It turns out it's just dry skin. wtf.
All in all, I was an awfully sad and uncomfortable little bear during those three days. But, I still managed to get to where I needed to--commuting on the bus no less--and look decent doing so. So, although these last few days before coming home to LA have been absolutely shitty, it's of no fault of the mla's. Just luck and life events of the not so good variety.
Anyway, any misery I might have experienced there wasn't really due to mla at all, but external factors. Factor 1) was that my gram, about whose proceeding illness and her way of approaching death I have blogged about sometimes in not the nicest of ways, did pass on Wednesday night, which corresponded to night before day 1 of mla. That was one of the hardest evenings I can remember: Michael and his family had dropped me off at my friend's place up in Lakeview, where I was to stay during mla. It is a new apartment and she hasn't really moved in yet, so the space felt cavernous and so lonely, particularly with the ambient light of the Chicago night streaming into the living room through large panel windows. Curled up on the pull-out couch, I coughed and cough and cried and cried. Now, I have the capacity to use work as a means of totally shutting off emotional distress. So, the next day, I woke up and got down to the business. But shuttling back and forth throughout the day between talking to my dad and doing the prep work I had to do was really exhausting and sad. Mostly, I knew I couldn't be there, and I wouldn't have been of much help even if I had been there, but I felt like I should have been anyway.
Factor 2) was that I was sick. I can't be sure how much of this was stress-driven and how much of it is more, the only word I can think of is legitimate but that's not what I mean, let's say, not stress-driven. However, the morning we left for Chicago, the 23rd, I was violently ill: puking until my abs hurt, dizzy and weak. Having just seen Transformers, once I felt slightly better, I started calling these upsets the "decepticons in my tummy," because it felt like there was a lot of rumbling and shape-shifting and blowing shit up in there--just like decepticons, obvs. Anyway, the tummy troubles continued throughout Christmas and mla: some bloating issues, some inability to eat, some puking = no fun. In addition, on the plane ride, despite having chugged Airborne before flying, I picked up a little head cold of some kind. I am still subject to some coughing fits. But here's how it played out while I was in Chicago:
Dec 23-26--some sniffling and sneezing.
Dec 27 (Day 1 of mla)--lots of coughing and throat getting a little hoarse.
Dec 28 (Day 2 of mla)--lost my voice entirely.
Dec 29 (Day 3 of mla)--regained voice, but sounded like I'd been chain-smoking for 20 years straight, like not even taking a break from smoking to nap.
Now, Day 2, the day I opened my mouth and no sound came out, was the day of my panel. That's right. All I could do was pass 'round copies of my paper and nod while the chair of the session read my paper for me. I was really sad about that as I genuinely enjoy delivering papers. But what can a whispery croakster do?
Day 3 was the day of the interview. I'm glad I had a voice. Lots of flurried texts between myself and my director of graduate studies were exchanged on Day 2 about what to do about the no-voice situation but that worked out fine. I felt good going in there, especially because I ran into an old undergrad professor of mine in the elevator on the way up to the interview and she told me, "remember, you're interviewing them too." Ha ha. Sweet, but ha ha. And as I said, the interview was pleasant: I do like a captive audience and a lot of what we were all saying about teaching techniques and ideas seemed to resonate back and forth. So, whether or not I go further or not in this process, it was a good experience.
Meanwhile, the entire time, I had this intense rash covering my back, chest and tummy, lower legs, down the insides of my forearms and up my neck: I have no idea what scarlet fever looks like and hope never to travel back in time to be in Little Women, but as soon as I saw the little red goose bump sized bumps covering large parts of my body, it was the first thing that came to mind. It turns out it's just dry skin. wtf.
All in all, I was an awfully sad and uncomfortable little bear during those three days. But, I still managed to get to where I needed to--commuting on the bus no less--and look decent doing so. So, although these last few days before coming home to LA have been absolutely shitty, it's of no fault of the mla's. Just luck and life events of the not so good variety.
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